heartache or sanity?

In attempts to gain a bit of my sanity back, I am breaking from my life for a quick 5 minutes to write this post. My lack of sanity has come from a variety of areas lately, first-year lesson planning & grading has remained near the top of my to-do list (I have a good feeling it will stay there all year), among the more pressing concerns of close family members suddenly hospitalized- yes members… plural, all in a matter of days. Not to mention the 3 open houses that required my attendance this past week, along with the constant need to pop in or check up on my ailing family members who stubbornly do not take their diagnosis’s seriously. Needless to say I have been stressed out, overworked and in desperate need of a decent night’s sleep.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I am one of those people who feel that they have absurdly large shoulders for which the weight of the world could easily sit upon them. I take others’ problems and make them my own. I worry; I rack my brain trying to come up with solutions or temporary fixes that will result in smiles, laughter and ultimately happiness. I am not sure why I feel this need. And yes, it is very much a need. I am not capable of blowing something off or thinking logically about a possibly fatal situation. I am a “fixer” through and through. If someone is in need, sick, hurting, etc. I feel a personal responsibility to make things better for them, or to fix it. It is not a healthy way to be but it is the only one I know.

Everyone has their breaking point, I certainly have mine and when it comes, I am no longer in control. My body gives me plenty of signs along the way letting me know that I have taken on too much but I gladly ignore those warnings and pursue on. Why am I spilling my guts like this? Because I recently hit the wall. It was a gradual decline but I knew it was coming. I hit bottom, lost myself for a bit and am slowly attempting my trek upward. I’ve failed at this before and can feel myself failing again. The problem is I haven’t let go of any of the things that resulted in my loss of sanity. Which means regaining it is going to be a near impossible task until I do.

Sometimes I can’t help but to think, why do I put myself through this? I don’t see others running to my aide when I am in need, sick, hurt… I deal with it myself. I have a terrible independent streak that is coated in a beautiful layer of stubbornness. I have always portrayed myself as the strong one; the one who could handle whatever was thrown at her and would always be there whenever I was needed. Asking for help in return was always out of the question as I often misplaced help into the category of weak. It has to mean something that I have at least figured that part out. I have no clue how to actually put it into practice and to be quite honest, I’m not sure I want to. I like being there for others and feel appreciated when I am asked for help. I smell a vicious circle continuing to lap…

I am currently working on an ‘Identity’ unit with my freshman. They are exploring their own identities as they develop and are relating them to characters in novels and films that have broken through stereotypical bias, social status, and prejudice in today’s society. The students love it and have gotten very involved. The point is that when they know something is beneficial to themselves or others they should act upon it. And if they know something to be detrimental to themselves or others, they should reevaluate their position. I took my own advice and did just that. My reevaluation results: I will be hitting plenty of walls over the course of my life. The end result on my part may suck for awhile for but if I was able to help someone- truly help them, support them, and give it my all, then it is worth it for me.  

My sanity when I have cast my own aside.